TOUR DE FORCE

by Edward Wilkinson Latham

Audio Version (recorded 2006)

INT. STUDIO

BRIAN: Welcome to the hills of Bavaria for day five of The 2006 Men's Tour de Force, Y-front Triathlon. Day four saw some changes upfront as the leaders finished a grueling forty-mile Forward Roll and went into the Primal Scream section. I'm joined by three-time winner of the Tour de Force, Eddie Windspang. Eddie.

EDDIE: Thanks Brian. Yes, after a messy start on day one in the forward role the pack leaders found their rhythm despite the rugged conditions. There were some retirements though, like the surprising front-to-end collision between the Argentinean Carlos Fondo and Urgen Malloot of Denmark, both on the Debenhams Team. Mika Hankyman on the Calvin Klein Team was rolling well at the twenty mile mark, but ripped his Y-fronts clean at the waistband and dropped from third to tenth place as he waited for his support team to bring him another pair. In primal scream, a thirty-mile sprint and shout, the American Chuck Legger on the Next for Men Team became the overall leader and proud wearer of the yellow Y-fronts. You will remember Brian, he had to have one of his buttocks removed last year, but he's back with a cheek donated by a family member and doing some great roles.

BRIAN: His determination is an inspiration to the sport. He's also started a charity for other sufferers, selling yellow hoop cushions.

EDDIE: He certainly has Brian. I'm sitting on mine right now as a matter of fact. Yes, Chuck is going for his sixth title, but I fear he will have some tough competition in the next event.

BRIAN: Of course you are referring to the fifteen-mile Jockey Toboggan.

EDDIE: Indeed I am Brian. This downhill mudslide is tough going, with gorse bush chicanes and some nasty gravel sections. Those without a strong undercarriage are going to suffer Brian.

BRIAN: Who’s King of the Mountains this year?

EDDIE: At the moment it's the Basque, Argi Beñat whose wearing the red polka dot y-fronts and he's doesn't look like he wants to part with them. He got a terrifying scream, practicing up there in the Pyrenees with the goats and I fancy he's got the legs and the buttocks to maybe snatch the yellow Y-fronts from Chuck.

BRIAN: Well with that, lets go to Rob Beret, down on the course.

EXT:

FX / ATMOS - Crowd

BOB: Thank you Brian and welcome listeners. Yes it certainly is a lovely day in Bavaria for being outside in your Y-fronts, I can tell you. Around me, hundreds of German supporters are lining the course, many wearing the red underpants in support of local hero Rudolph Gubermarker on the Italian Velentino Team. Some have taken them off and are waving them in support as Gubermarker rounds the bend screaming and passes the crowd, followed closely by the Italian, Ronaldo Fabulosi. But it's the American Chuck Legger who is leading with forty second lead. He came into the pits after the primal scream, had a record six second Y-front change and he's out there sliding very well on that new buttock. Further back, the Norwegian Asrod Sopp competing for C&A has moved in to sixth, and oh, oh dear there has been a crash going into the mudslide! It’s Jimmy Hunt on the British Home Stores Team. He came out of the pits, skidded and crashed in to the first gorse bush chicane. The marshals are trying to get to him. It doesn't look good. Brian.

INT. Studio

BRIAN: Well some more upsets for Britain again Eddie.

EDDIE: Well it's Jimmy's last year Brian and he was going too hard I think. From the replay it looked like he didn’t have both feet in his y-fronts. But, you know, the BHS Team has had some mechanical problems with the suspension and that reoccurring waistband-chaffing problem. It’s a terrible shame Brian. It’s back to the ironing board for the BHS team.

BRIAN: Thank you EDDIE. Well more dramas and suspense. Join us tomorrow for the final day of the 2006 Men's Tour de Force, Y-front Triathlon. Until then. Goodbye.

EWL©2006