Written for Soap Detective’s Fund Raiser.

Please donate to www.soapdetectives.com

*1

INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB.

Sounds of snooker, newspapers being rustled, snoring and a sheep bleating once.

HENRY: I say old boy, have you heard.

GINGER: What’s that old man?

HENRY: Well the word in the steam room is that our young friend, that handsome fellow who works for Soap Detectives.

GINGER: Oh yes. Lovely Chap. He regularly slips me a weekly podcaste of Paul Temple.

HENRY: Well rumour is old boy that he’s been working an awful lot and so he’s asking his listeners for a contribution. It’s going to really help him carrying on his sleuthing and bringing quality broadcasts to his podder chums.

GINGER: I see. Go on old bean.

HENRY: Well there’s the club fees going up again this year, then those bounders at the hosting company are always wanting more.

GINGER: Those Bounders!

HENRY: And then finally there’s that log cabin he assists on keeping in Canada that’s costing an arm and a leg. The poor old chap can’t even afford to send his dog to a private school.

GINGER: Good god man. We must do something.

HENRY: Well I’m sending him a monthly donation, just by going to the three w’s dot soapdetectives.com

GINGER: Put me down too for some of that old boy.

HENRY: Where’s the Club Porter. Brewster! (calls out)

BREWSTER: Yes sir.

HENRY: Brewster old boy lend us 50 would you.

BREWSTER: (coughs) Certainly Sir.

HENRY: Soap Detectives… Don’t know how I get through the day without it.

GINGER: Chin Chin

--------------------------------------------------------------------

*2

LORD STILTON:

Good evening. I’m Lord Stilton and I’ve been paid… ahem… asked to tell you to give generously to the soap detectives. Rather than being cad or a bounder, join the ranks and become a member of the club, and donate some money every time you download a show. This helps those handsome chaps at soap detectives continue their investigations and delivering quality crime capers, radio dramas and ripping yarns for your leisurely listening. We except something called paypal apparently, as well as cash, gold, family jewelry, property and of course hands of marriage from well off young ladies. I myself enjoy listening to Paul Temple and Nero Wolf of an evening, sat beside the fireplace with a young friend.

FX: Cork popping

YOUNG WOMAN:

Oh Bertrum

LORD STILTON:

Mmm thank my dear and thank you Soap Detectives.

YOUNG WOMAN:

Bertie you are wicked.

-------------------------------------------------

*3

MR. BANJO WILSON

I was sitting in my study listening to an episode of Paul Temple when…

Sound of screeching wheels, door opening and foot steps, door knock-opening door- scream- oh sorry, more steps, sound of sheep. Knock at door.

MR. BANJO WILSON

Come in, do.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Mr. Banjo Wilson?

MR. BANJO WILSON

Yes

SOAP DETECTIVE

We are the Soap Detectives

MUSIC Dramatic

MR. BANJO WILSON

I’ve heard of you men off steel

SOAP DETECTIVE

Euuerr.(Grizzly man sounds)

MR. BANJO WILSON

What can I help you with?

SOAP DETECTIVE

Well our agents have told us you have downloaded some podcasts from our web site and you have been playing them on your gramophone.

MR. BANJO WILSON

Yes I have.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Do you know how hard we work to solve these cases?

MR. BANJO WILSON

No I haven’t given it much thought really.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Well. Let me show you. Well let me show you. Sergeant grimes (calls out)

SERGENT GRIMES

Yes inspector. (Sultry woman’s voice)

SOAP DETECTIVE

Show this man how hard you work on these capers my dear.

(sound of stripping music wolf whistle going up)

MR. BANJO WILSON

Oh i see indeed, yes inspector. Of course you need funds for such things. Yes I can see.

SOAP DETECTIVE

That’s enough sergeant. Now as you can see Mr. Wilson it’s stripping us bare, shall I say. It takes a lot of time and effort to bring such quality to your ears.

MR. BANJO WILSON

Yes inspector I understand, here will that do?

SOAP DETECTIVE

Even a humble dollar can be of help old boy, but naturally more substantial donations are more warmly received.

MR. BANJO WILSON

Here you go inspector.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Thank you banjo. That will help nicely.

Sound of old fashioned phone ring.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Hello. Mmmm, eurrr, ohhh. Yes of course. Cheerio.Now Mr. Banjo we must be leaving. There is a heavily built chap in California who has downloaded the complete series of nero wolf without so much as a thank you. Sergeant Grimes.

SERGENT GRIMES

Coming sir.

SOAP DETECTIVE

Good day to you sir.

EWL©