THE LOST CORD-SCROTUS

A comic radio script by Edward Wilkinson-Latham

Synopsis: The Lost Cord is a comedy based serial in the style of a BBC Radio 3 or 4 musical documentary program, with the presenter Simon Kaxx, tracking down little known music related stories around the world.

Ep.1 The Missing Scrotus Simon Kaxx travels to England's West Country to uncover the story of 80's Heavy Metal band Scrotus; their roots, early musical career and signing to the Weston-Super-Mare record label Bovine Loco owned by wholesale meat mogul Davie 'The Meat Man' Llewellyn. Simon then follows the trail of the band and their manager to the United States where he speaks to those who experienced the live Scrotus show and he unearths some important and unexpected information concerning the bands mysterious disappearance in Texas in the summer of 1986.

V/O)- Voice over

GRAMS- Music (Original music in the style of a rather untalented and limited heavy metal band)

FX- Sound Effects

SIMON KAXX (V/O): Good evening and welcome to The Lost Cord. I'm Simon Kaxx. Tonight's episode focuses on the lives of four musicians and their manager who mysteriously disappeared in Texas desert in 1986. If you are familiar England's south west Heavy Metal scene during the 1980's, then you may have heard of the band Scrotus. As young men Giles Trusler, Bob Wallace, Phil Hillier and Perry Jacobs, dreamt of forming a band and would practice in an old cattle barn owned by Perry's father near Langport. At that time they called themselves The Scrouts, but a dispute with another band by the same name in near by Shepton Mallet, caused them to change their name to Scrotus, as we hear from Crazy Jeff, lead singer of The Scrouts.

F/X: INT COUNTRY PUB

CRAZY JEFF: Well their sound was very heavy you know? They were into that Druid, Saxon and Roman craze that was so popular in the West Country metal scene at the time. Bands like The Tumuli, Brutus Hibernicus and of course the great Titus Gaius who went on to become keyboardist for that Matt Bianco.

SIMON KAXX: Samba in your Casa.

FX: PUB ATMOSPHERE DROPS. OLD MEN MUMBLE OBSCENITIES.

CRAZY JEFF: I'd be careful what you say round these parts my boy.

SIMON KAXX: Right. I see.

CRAZY JEFF: Well, as I was saying, I was the one who made them change their name and move the letter 't' one to the left from Scrouts to Scrotus. I even wrote it on a beer mat for them. None of them were good spellers, those boys. I would think that beer mat is probably worth something these days.

SIMON KAXX: Yes.. maybe. But Jeff, you were really concerned that there was only room for one bunch of Scrouts in the West Country, weren't you?

CRAZY JEFF: Well I first thought I would rename the band 'Crazy Jeff and The Scrouts' but it didn't sit right with the rest of the group, ego wise, you know, but the problem was what if me and the lads decided to play in Langport or somewhere like Crewkerne or Stoke Sub Ham? I mean I can't think of a reason, but what if we did? What then eh? You cant have two bands names The Scrouts can you? It would be band billing chaos thats what!

SIMON KAXX: And how did you exactly persuade them to change their name? Was it easy?

CRAZY JEFF: No not really. We ambushed them one night in the car park of the Red Trout and after we beat th snot out of them, they agreed. Then we had a few pints.

SIMON KAXX (V/O): Along with the renaming of the band came new stage names and personas. Giles Trusler became 'The Chopper' Bob Wallace became known as 'The Tongue', Phil Hillier 'The Reeper', and Perry Jacobs, 'The Wiz'. The boys moved to Yeovil and started to get gigs at local barn dances and beer festivals. All heavy drinkers, the lads consumed up to three pints of cider a day and capitalized on their lack of musical technique and writing ability at the time to form a new genre of rock music called Heavy Metal Skiffle Rock otherwise known as Skiffle Metal. Here's one of their early performances, recorded at the 1985 cider festival in Midsummer Naughton.

FX: BACKGROUND OF BEER FESTIVAL, CHEERING, VOMITING, BAND TUNING UP.

BACKGROUND VOICE #1: Try a pint of this refreshing cider my lover.

BACKGROUND VOICE #2: Oh, it's very nice, yes. Mmm.

BACKGROUND VOICE #1: It certainly is madam. It's the rat meat, that's the secret to its tang.

GILES TRUSLER: Hello Midsummer Naughton! We are Scrotus. I said, we are Scrotus!…. Alright lets rock the house. I mean… field.

GRAMS (Scrotus)

SIMON KAXX (V/O): Interest in the band was slow at first, but when Scrotus played at the Lamb and Strap in Cheddon Fitzpaine, just off the A3259, north of Priorswood, their fate was sealed. Playing in The Skittle Room to a sell out capacity of sixteen invited guests, they were approached back stage after the gig and signed by Weston-Super-Mare wholesale meat mogul, turned record label owner, Davie 'The Meat Man' Llewellyn. His business partner Max Pedelo recalls that night.

F/X: EXT. NIGHT.HIGH HEELS ON TARMAC. PINT GLASSES.LAIRY MEN IN PUB

MAX PEDELO: Blimey. It's a bit nippley tonight. Come on Barry let us in!

SIMON KAXX : Max, could you tell us about the night Mr. Llewellyn signed Scrotus?

MAX PEDELO: Old De De? Oh he was on fire that night, I can tell you. We had both got dressed up for the skittles night and we were sat in his Ford Granada, lowered mind, and De' was filling a lighter he bought in Mykonos last year, when suddenly whoosh! It exploded. Well he rolled in the car park over there for a while and we had a giggle. Thank god he wasn't too badly burnt and only lost a pair of tights and a cheap blouse from C&A. Well it was cheap.

SIMON KAXX: And then what occurred?

MAX PEDELO: Well we had to go back to my place in Goathurst to get De De a new pair of tights and a fresh blouse. She insisted on borrowing my little Versace number and then we had to redo her make up to hide some of the burns, so by the time we got back here to the Lamb and Strap it was gone ten o'clock.

SIMON KAXX: I see. I presume that she is Mr Llewellyn?

MAX PEDELO: Well, who else.

SIMON KAXX: I see. And then what occurred?

MAX PEDELO: We'll we lined up outside with all the rest of the girls waiting to get in to The Skittle Rooms. Just like we do every Thursday night. Come on Barry we're freezing our tits off out here. When I got inside I saw that slag Brian, sorry Edwina with her new stilettos. Milan she said. More like Milton Keynes shopping centre I thought. De De scuttled off to see the band and I got talking to Electra, who was telling me about her troubles with her sugar daddy in Warminster. Weren't you love?

ELECTRA: Frome. He lives in Frome.

MAX PEDELO: Does he? Well who was that sweet Mr. money bags from Warminster?

ELECTRA: That's your dad.

MAX PEDELO: Is it? Actually I think you could be right. Big white beard, gets about in a customized motorized wheelchair?

ELECTRA: Yeah.

MAX PEDELO: Oh right. That's why he keeps coming round my house. Well anyway as I was saying De De went to see the band and twenty minutes later 'The Meat Queen' returns all excited like, and said she had just signed a Heavy Metal band. I said oh can I see their autographs and she said no I've signed them to a record deal you stupid tart. I'm going to be a record label mogul she said. Well Electra and me just stood there. Well Electra was sitting actually weren't you love?

ELECTRA: Yeah. It's me implants.

MAX PEDELO: So we both looked at De De and couldn't believe it. There she was dressed in my Versace, acting like a big swinging dick. One minute a bearded tranny with first degree burns, next thing she's bloody Richard Branson.

BARRY: Alright ladies, in you come. Keep it orderly.

MAX PEDELO: Oooh here we go. Come on Electra love. One foot in front of the other. See ya later Simon pet. Ta Ra!

SIMON KAXX (V/O): Within days of Llewellyn signing the band he paid for studio time at Bronco's Studio, West Hewish and the band recorded their first single on the 'Bovine Loco' label in September 1985 entitled, 'Meat Bag'. Here we hear a segment of that record.

GRAMS (Scrotus)

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Bronco “The Knob Man” Norbiton was sound engineer that day.

BRONCO: Well when Llewellyn and the boys turned up I told my brother, that's the one I'm going to marry. He was dripping with money and carried an eight-pound bag of beef ribs in each hand. I was a bit of drinker back then and lets say it took me a while to find out this was his first venture in the music business. Saying that he knew how to produce and he cooked up a lovely chili con carne in the kitchenette. Nice tasty dark sauce and these round, flat pasties on the side.

SIMON KAXX: Tortillas?

BRONCO: No they were more like flat circles. Eventually we got round to recording and we did it on the first take. I said we should do another and Davie said he only needed one hit record. I tell you his skirt was so tight I had trouble keeping me hand on the knobs that day, and that chille lasted me for ages it did.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Six weeks after the release of 'Meat Bag' to mixed reviews in the Weston Super Mare Advertiser, Llewellyn surprised the band with an eight week tour of the United States, with gigs lined up at meat packing plants, private residences and nightclubs that Llewellyn had organized through his Masonic Lodge contacts. As a producer he advised the band to explore their darker sides and it was at an abattoir gig in the mid west that the Scrotus first experimented with offal in their live show, as we hear from a former employer at Macey's Meats in Kansas.

EXT: NIGHT. STREET

FX: POLICE SIRENS IN DISTANCE.

SIMON KAXX: Excuse me, Dyjonnaise.

DYJONNAISE: Yes sugar.

SIMON KAXX: We're ready for you now.

DYJONNAISE: Alright honey.

SIMON KAXX: So, I wonder if you could tell us about the night you saw the rock band Scrotus?

DYJONNAISE: Yeah, well I used to work at Macey's Meat Packers, before I was fired and went..uh… freelance…

SIMON KAXX: (whispering) And one night you saw…

DYJONNAISE: Oh right. Yeah, one night I went to the canteen when this rock band was playing. Yeah. They were kind of different looking from us. We still had our hairnets on you see. You had to wear them at all times inside the factory grounds. How they got away with not wearing hairnets I don't know.

SIMON KAXX: And what did you think of the band?

DYJONNAISE: They were British and I just love British guys.

SIMON KAXX: Reallly? (Coughing)

DYJONNAISE: Oh yeah. So sexy. Roger Moore, Rupert Everett. My cousin met Hugh Grant in LA once.

SIMON KAXX: Really….

DYJONNAISE: Uh huh.

ANDY (Soundman): Simon.

SIMON KAXX: Oh yes. Sorry. (cough) So can you please tell us what happened Dyjonaisse.

DYJONNAISE: Well my eyes immediately fell on the lead singer who called himself 'The Chopper'. He had these cute blond curls tied back with what looked like a pair of red panties and he wore green tights and the pointiest shoes I'd ever seen. He was hot, so I hung around to do him after.

SIMON KAXX: Did you enjoy the music?

DYJONNAISE: Sure it was OK, but I'd already had a few pipes by then. I remember during their second song they got out some ox kidneys and The Chopper started to juggle with them while he was singing. Things stopped for a while when the drummer got lassoed with an intestine. It was OK, but it was like watching someone juggle staplers if you worked in a stationary store or something?

SIMON KAXX: Thank you Dyjonnaise.

DYJONNAISE: Sure. You want me to do that other thing you asked me about?

SIMON KAXX: Oh.. yes… the um..the massage?… Well it was Andy who asked actually.

ANDY(SOUNDMAN) No I didn't.

SIMON KAXX: Alright, no he didn't. It was me. So, how…..how..how much?

DYJONNAISE: $50 and for that I'll………

FX: CAR PASSING, HONKING OVER HER VOICE. GIRLS CALLING BACK.

ANDY: Very reasonable indeed.

FADE

EXT: BIRDS CHIRPING, SIMON GETTING INTO CAR

SIMON KAXX: Morning Andy.

ANDY: Morning.

SIMON KAXX: Here, coffee with two sugars and some donuts too.

ANDY: Mmm

FX: EATING, HUNGRILY.

SIMON KAXX: Ooh I slept so heavily last night.

ANDY:(muttering) Not surprised with all that Dyjonnaise.

SIMON KAXX: What?

ANDY: Nothing.

SIMON KAXX: How's you're donuts?

ANDY: (Mouthful) I wager not as good as yours old chum.

SIMON KAXX: I have you know that Dijonaise is a very talented masseuse. And my back is feeling much better thank you.

ANDY: Uh huh

SIMON KAXX: She wants to be a singer actually. I said I'd put in a word at Radio 1 you know. Have a chat with old Tongsie, see what I can do, although I would have thought she would have asked her cousin to get in touch with Hugh Grant, but he's film right, I'm radio. Makes sense.

ANDY: Oh yeah.

SIMON KAXX: OK right. Day 3. Where are we in the script? Are you recording?

ANDY: Always.

SIMON KAXX: OK lets get this show on the road. We've got a long drive ahead of us.

FX: CAR STARTING, DRIVING OFF.

SIMON KAXX: Andy you don't have any of that heat rash cream you carry with you?

FADE

FX: CAR DRIVING, CICADAS, DESERT WIND.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): A local reporter for the Yahzoo Evening Post also went to that gig at Macey's Meats that night, to 'check things out' he says. A young newspaper intern at the time, that evening would change his life and alter a promising career. We're on our way to see him.

FADE

FX: CAR DRIVING ON GRAVEL TRACK. CAR STOPS. 2 GET OUT OF CAR AND WALK ON GRAVEL / DOG STARTS TO SNARL AND BARK

SIMON KAXX: This is apparently the home Mr. Randolph Smith, that once young promising intern. Mr. Smith are you home? Mr Smith?

FX: SCREEN DOOR CREEKS OPENS.

MR. SMITH: Freeze, you strange looking varmints. I've got you covered.

FX: RIFLE COCKING

SIMON KAXX: Ah…Mr. Smith. I'm SIMON KAXX for the BBC? We have an appointment today, do we not? There really isn't any need for the shotgun Mr. Smith I assure you?

MR. SMITH: I'll be the decider of that… You bring any animal products with ya?v

SIMON KAXX: What?

MR. SMITH: The flesh of animals. Did you bring any?

SIMON KAXX: No.. I don't believe we did Mr. Smith. Did you want some?

MR. SMITH: Any in the car?

SIMON KAXX: No. I..Andy did you bring any?

ANDY: I've got some pepperonis in the glove compartment.

SIMON KAXX: We have some pepperonis Mr. Smith!

MR. SMITH: What kind?

ANDY: Turkey, I think. You can never be sure.

MR.SMITH: Turkey Mr. Smith! Although it could have other bits in it.

MR. SMITH: Jesus! You are couple of filthy individuals ain't ya. What posses a man to turn a perfectly good looking animal into a small dried sausage I ask ya uh?!

ANDY: Convenience?

SIMON KAXX: Shut it, he’s got a loaded gun on us.

MR SMITH: (Mumbling)

FX: DOG STARTS SNARLING AND SNIFFING.

MR. SMITH: Carrots Mr. Bo Janlges!, Carrots!

FX: DOG WHIMPERS AND BACKS OFF.

MR. SMITH: Mr. Bo Janlges can smell animal flesh in a man's colon from a mile away. And he can track them too, across woodland, valleys, swamps. And let me tell you, he sure can smell your sausage Mister. He helps me out does Beau, cause you see I can't be within fifty feet of any one who's eaten the flesh of an animal.

SIMON KAXX: That must be very hard living in Texas Mr. Smith.

MR. SMITH: You don't know the half of it son. SO! (FX: GUN LOADING) Your going to have to stay right there Mr. Radio man and take them filthy sticks of umskah and put them in the trunk of your car and until the both of you show me sufficient evidence, in a see through plastic bag, that you have passed that stuff from your bodies, you going to stay in your car so help me God. And make no mistake, I just have to say one word and Mr. Beau Jangles will rip you a new one. You hear?!

SIMON KAXX: OK Mr. Smith. Might I say he's a very unusual looking Chihuahua.

MR. SMITH: He's part Pekinese you English egg layer. Now get!

SIMON KAXX (V/O): We sat in the car and watched Mr. Smith and his dog play a game with a lettuce. The time passed slowly. I had a snooze, combed my hair and helped my soundman Andy with his custody papers to do with a prize lizard.

ANDY: Elicia is a Honduran Iguana.

SIMON KAXX: It's lizard.

ANDY: Yeah and you've had a rub and tug from a hooker with buckteeth.

FX: Straining, plastic bags.

SIMON KAXX: Oh god. Andy throw me the wet wipes!

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Three hours later both Andy and I managed to do what had been asked of us by Mr. Smith, and after showing him from a safe distance, we then had to deposit… it, along with the peperettes back at the main road. At last six hours after arriving, we finally managed to interview Mr. Smith.

SIMON KAXX: OK Andy, just check we are rolling.

ANDY: Yes.

SIMON KAXX: OK? Right. A pleasure to meet you Mr. Smith.

FX: DOG GOES BESERK AND ATTACKS

MR.SMITH: No! Mr. Beau Jangles! Mr. Beau Jangles!

ANDY: (Screaming)

FX: Drops microphone

SIMON KAXX: Ah! What's wrong with the dog?

MR.SMITH: You said meat!

SIMON KAXX: What?!

MR. SMITH: That's the word that sets him off. Mr. Beau Jangles! Down! Mr. Beau Jangles. Carrots! Carrots!

FADE

SIMON KAXX(V/O): After calming down Mr. Beau Jangles and finally winning Mr. Smith's trust I managed to ask him a few questions about his involvement with Scrotus. An involvement that changed his life.

MR. SMITH: That bite looks nasty.

SIMON KAXX: (in pain) Can you just please just tell me what occurred the night you saw Scrotus perform?

MR. SMITH: Well, I heard they were Welsh but they didn't sound like any Welshman I knew…

SIMON KAXX: (in pain) Oh yeah. Interesting.Mmm

MR.SMiTH But then I remembered that I'd never met a Welshman before, so I went to check them out backstage. Thought it could be a story. I ended up in their motel room after the show with some groupies from the meat packing plant and…what I saw there changed my life.

SIMON KAXX: For better or for worse?

MR. SMITH: Does this look better for someone who dreamt of becoming a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist?

SIMON KAXX: Well?..

MR.SMITH: Well its not. Now where was I? One of the band members, I think it was the drummer because he was holding these sticks. Anyway he offered me a nibble on what he called a smoked saveloy. I remember dipping it in the condiments provided, something they called Daddy's Sauce and then I became rather light headed. They kept chanting, “We are the knights of the milky pool, we are the knights of the milky pool”, over and over. There was nudity, beer and animal flesh everywhere. It's what they did with it that I can't forget. (whimpering) I became a vegan after that night, but the horror has never left me. I used to enjoy a sausage like the next man, back in the old days, but m.e.a.t. is murder and when I hears the word Scrotus, I think of m.e.a.t and murder.

FX: DOG SLIGHT GROWL

MR.SMITH: Easy Beau.

FADE

SIMON KAXX(V/O): According to the official band log the boys were writing new material while on tour, but often it was scribbled on diner napkins that were then lost when the waitress cleared the table. One of those doodles did however survive and would become the track entitled, "Boil in the Bag".

GRAMS (Scrotus)

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Four weeks in to the tour the boys were getting restless. According the band's driver and roadie, Lord Terence Singeon Smyth, The Sixth Duke of Birmingham, the band claimed they needed more time in the studio to remember songs, since they only could recall four on stage and one of those had the same cords as the second one.

FX: EXT. POOL, GIRLS GIGGLING.

TERENCE SINGEON SMYTH: The fellas needed some time for inspiration, what? Oh come on, girls hurry along and give old uncle Terry five minutes rest will you?

FX: SLAPPIN HAND ON BOTTOM / GIRLS GIGGLING

TERENCE SINGEON SMYTH: Lovely girls, all orphans unfortunately, or…fortunately. So as I was saying, off the record, Davie's obsession with the meat on the tour was starting to really tick a couple of the boys off. At many of the gigs we were actually paid in meat and Davie had neglected to tell us that at the start of the tour. By the time we got to Texas the van was full of the stuff. Rissoles under the seats, chops in the ashtray, sausages in the glove compartment and bags of mince everywhere. The smell, in that sweltering 100-degree desert heat, together with young Perry's feet, created some really dreadful conditions inside that van.

SIMON KAXX: And what about the night in question?

TERENCE SINGEON SMYTH: Well, we needed money pretty badly for other things than meat, so Davie asked me to try and shift some of the stash for cash, so I took it upon myself to do just that. That evening I drove to El Paso and tried to sell half our stock to some burrito restaurants down there. Well despite the state of some of the meat, they bought it. Now, I must say my Spanish isn't muy bueno, yo hablo, solomente Castillaino y no Mexicana, entonces la prononcion es my differente. Los jentes son los descendientes de las Mayas. And by some stroke of bad luck I accidentally sold the van as well as the meat. Easily done I suppose without the sufficient bi lateral lingo in place, but after that faux pas or accidente as they call it, I was unable to hold my head high to Davie and those Scrotus chaps. So I headed south to Mexico, where I spent the next few years experimenting with hallucinogenic plants and listening to the teachings of a chap called Don Juan in the Sierra Madre Mountains. Another chap was there called Carlos Castanets or something or another, who said he was a writer, but he didn't indulge. He just watched me and kept writing in that damn notebook of his. I wonder what became of him?

SIMON KAXX(V/O): According to Lord Singeon, he left Scrotus at Frank's Motel on the outskirts of San Angelo before driving to the Mexican border. That night's gig at the Angel Abattoir had been canceled due to the fact there was no more room for meat in the motel room. According to Lord Singeon the band was experimenting with the acoustics in motel bathrooms while on tour and rumour was that they were planning an entire acoustic album called 'Ball Bath Blues'. But that weekend in September would become one of the great mysteries of Heavy Metal Skiffle Rock History, open to much speculation, as we hear from Rex Churchill, musical historian and The Baird of Head Banging.

REX: Well I have to say that from the start there was some banging speculation. Some people say it was the lack of sun cream of a sufficient factor. Others claim foreign spicy food played a part.

SIMON KAXX: And who are these people who said these things?

REX: Well I did. The wife and me actually. I've seen Arizona and Texas on tele and it looks well hotter than Swansea. Then the wife pipes in something about something she read on the ceefax saying they had lots of spicy food over there. Why would they do that?

SIMON KAXX(V/O): What little information does remains is that Llewellyn had become ill while dinning at Leo's Crab Shack in Old Ballinger on the outskirts of San Angelo, Texas.

REX: (background) Is that all they wanted then?

MRS.REX: I think so love.

REX: Amateurs. Who did they say they were?

MRS. REX: The BBC love

REX: Oh, right. Bugger. Here get me a pill I'm having one of my headaches again.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): According to witnesses in Texas, a blond man in a black leather trench coat joined Davie Llewellyn that evening at Leo's crab shack and left with him when he became violently unwell. We traveled to the town of Old Ballinger, known for its land crustaceans and Ice Cream Sundays to see what we could uncover.

FX: AMERICAN DINER

WAITRESS: Well it was oyster night if I remember and it was pretty empty. This English guy in a rather nice floral two piece outfit was screaming something about that he should never have tried the seafood so far away from the sea and you should always stick with red meat if in doubt. He said he was the king, but he looked more like a queen if you know what I'm saying. Well I told him that if he didn't want it, I'd make him a tuna sandwich or something but he kept on. 'Why oh why did I order crab' he kept shouting. He had already eaten most of it before he passed out in a puddle of his own mess, right there at booth number four. I remember cause I was the one who had to clear it up.

SIMON KAXX: And what about the blonde man with the long blond hair.

WAITRESS: Oh he looked like a Viking. Long blond hair down to his behind, bound up in those tight black rodeo jeans. He was foreign for sure. I only say that because I went out with this guy from Finland one night that looked pretty similar. Actually around the same time. He was in this band called Famous I think, although he said it funny. Oh Mika. Now there's a man who liked his surf and turf.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): According to police, the following morning the motel maid at Franks Place discovered room 36 in what she described in the police report as 'a whole lot of mess.' Meat and organs littered the room as well as empty cans of beer and canisters of whipped cream. According to police Miss Hernandez became hysterical saying she was convinced the meat was human and she had then tried to flee the scene. However on inspection of her laundry cart officers found over five kilos of mince meat. She then admitted she had also discovered a man in green tights passed out in room, as we hear from the police chief of Chub County, Sheriff Duke Pukare, in a report taken from local radio broadcast at the time.

F/X: CAMERA SHUTTERS, FLASHES

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKARE: At approximately 10:03 this morning, a maid at Frank's Place Motel by the name of Miss Trixie Hernandez, discovered a large balding man wearing nothing but a pair of thin green leggings. He was accompanied by a large amount of meat of various different cuts and we believe different animals such as beef, pork, buffalo and even venison.

PERSON IN CROWD: I'm getting hungry.

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKARE: When Miss Hernandez attempted to wake the man, he could not speak, but offered her an undisclosed amount of mince meat using charades to communicate his demands. Another guest who was passing the open doorway of room number 36 witnessed this event and was so horrified at what she saw, that she called the police. By the time my officers arrived at the scene the man in question had fled. Officers struggled to identify some of the cuts of meat and to see if any of it was worth salvaging and on further inspection, a number of small human body parts were found adorned with what appears to be small tattoos. Again I ask the public to be on the look out for a well built balding man, wearing green leggings or maybe green ladies tights and he may be carrying a bag or bags of meat with him. We are still unsure if he may or may not have lost this important piece of skin. That's all at this time. Thank you

REPORTERS: Sheriff! Sheriff!

FADE

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Four days later Sheriff Duke Pukare appeared on television, admitting that the investigation of the missing band and body parts had not progressed to finding anymore clues, as we hear from local news channel ABR.

NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you for joining us Sheriff. I understand that this case is taking up all your time and attention?

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKARE: Thank you Jenny. Yes, yes it is. I've got men working in shifts around the clock. It's a good job we managed to refrigerate the remaining meat because some of it has been delicious. It really has. There was so much that we have been keeping a charity BBQ going for over 48 hours at the station, feeding the homeless and the old folks in town. Unfortunately some of the meat has caused some rather nasty botulism and were looking to clear that up right away.

NEWS ANCHOR: How very unfortunate when you also have this case of the missing English rock band to solve.

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKAR: Well it is Jenny. Your right, but with out proper forensics we had to use what skills were available to us in making sure the meat was either animal or human.

NEWS ANCHOR: And what about the human remains you have discovered.

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKAR: Well Jenny I wish you hadn't mentioned that?

NEWS ANCHOR: Why Sheriff?

SHERRIFF DUKE PUKAR: Well I wish we had just discovered the meat and that was it, I really do. Missing bits of important…skin, missing Englishmen and a mystery man in green tights? Well it's not right. It's not right at all. There are people out there walking around, maybe dead, maybe alive, but they are out there without these so called 'body parts' attached and I find it very distressing to tell you the truth. While they were not put on ice in time for them to be saved or even sewn on to something like a mouse or a pig for the time being, I still would think the person or people who lost these bits would like them back. Some of my deputies are seeking counseling as a result of this case I might add.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): The mystery man in green tights baffled police. According to reports Giles Trusler, often wore green tights on and off stage, but the maid's description stated that the man was more rotund and balding. Did American food and the life on the road bloat Giles Trusler from a slender 150lbs to over 200lbs in a matter of weeks? And where did his curls go? Some say that's American cuisine for you. Others say other things like Gene Korngold, former heavy metal producer and today a celebrity kosher chef in New York.

FX: RESTAURANT KITCHEN

FX: GENE CHOPPING

GENE KORNGOLD: Hey, watch those gefilta crepes Marcel! Well in the Skiffle Metal world, Scrotus were pioneers for the Avant-garde, Viking and Epic metal bands of the nineties in the US. The fact that they were all ex choirboys from Langport only made them more attractive when turned to the dark side. But if The Chopper as you say did bloat to 200lbs in a matter of weeks, then I would ask, was he the same man inside, were they the same tights of did he have to buy another pair when he got bigger? Ask yourself that. We might never know. Hey what have I said about the F&$#%! Motzas!! You're fired! Get out of my kitchen!! GET OUT!!!

FX: CRASHING POTS AND PANS / KNIVES THROWN

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Amongst fans, rumors circulated of a lost Scrotus tape that was found by the police at the crime scene under a bag of pig kidneys and that it contained valuable clues to the final days of Scrotus, and their manager. In 2006 this tape appeared on the Internet auction site, eBay. The seller, Mr. Sri claimed he bought the tape in a lot sale at an auction near Huston along with a leather jacket, a guitar and a penny whistle that was thought to have once belonged to the musician Kenny Rogers. We tracked down Mr. Sri to a temple of his own faith outside of Champaign, Illinois.

F/X: SITAR, CHIMES

MR SRI: (Indian accent) I am great.

WORSHIPPERS: You are great.

MR SRI: And again.

WORSHIPPERS: You are great.

MR SRI: One more time.

WORSHIPPERS: You are great.

MR SRI: And rest. Now Mr. Kaxx. We will address your problem. Come with me.

F/X: DOOR OPENING, CLOSING.

MR SRI:(Cockney accent) Right. Come through to the lounge. Larger?

SIMON KAXX: No thank you. Bit early for me. So Mr. Sri. I hope you can shed some light on what I asked you over the phone?

F/X: OPENING LARGER CAN

MR SRI: Sure. Come in. Just move those crates of beans. I was at the cash and carry this morning. Right and you wanted?

SIMON KAXX: Information about the items you bought in the auction we talked about.

MR SRI: Oh yes. Well, when I bid on the lot I thought it belonged to the godhead Kenny Rogers. When I listened to the tape I then thought it was an experimental work done after one of his annual liposuction operations. He's always a little peculiar for a few weeks after that.

SIMON KAXX: And how do you know this?

MR SRI: I have my platinum proficiency badge in psychic flying from Swindon Polytechnic. I can tell you what Kate Bush Godhead is doing right now, Chris Rea Godhead , oh and Michael Bolton.

SIMON KAXX: I've always been a fan of Chris Rea. When my wife and I got married our first dance was 'Dancing With Strangers'. Took me while to find out she liked sleeping with them too.

MR.SRI: He's in his kitchen in his dressing gown making a cheese and bacon toasty.

SIMON KAXX: What?

MR. SRI It's three in the afternoon and Chris Rea Godhead is still in his dressing gown and he's making a toasted sandwich. Oh he does look rough.

SIMON KAXX: And when did you see this.

MR.SRI Right now. I'm in the kitchen with him. Oh no, he hasn't even cooked the bacon before he put it in. Oh Chris, what are you doing you poor devil? Use the cheddar Chris for the love of god, not the Edam. Oh its no good, he can't hear me.

SIMON KAXX: Mr. Sri I would like to know what happened to the tape?

MR. SRI: I sold it.

SIMON KAXX: Yes but who to?

MR. SRI: I'll have to look on the computer. Hang on.

FX: TYPING

MR. SRI: Ah hear we go. Yup, $2.99 and the highest bidder was DefCougár from Shepton Mallet, England. What a name.Shepton Mallet.

SIMON KAXX: Shepton Mallet?

MR: SRI: Mr. DefCougár, 16 The Lane, Shepton Mallet.

SIMON KAXX: 16 The Lane, that's Crazy Jeff's address.

MR.SRI: You want me to see what he is doing?

SIMON KAXX: Uh.. sure. Could you?

MR.SRI: Well I can try.

SIMON KAXX: ` That double crossing….

MR.SRI: He's out.

SIMON KAXX: What?

MR.SRI He's not there.

SIMON KAXX: Are you sure. Try again.

MR.SRI: He's not there I'm sure of it.

SIMON KAXX: Well… look round the back, he's got three sheds.

MR.SRI: Yes I can see that thank you. Hang on… No, no, no. He's not in any of those either.

SIMON KAXX: Well can you leave a note or something.

MR. SRI: What do you think?

FX: FAINT COUNTRY SOUNDS / RAPID KNOCK ON DOOR.

CRAZY JEFF: Yes, yes I'm coming.

FX: FRONT DOOR OPENING

SIMON KAXX: (Upset) Hello Mr. DefCougár!

CRAZY JEFF: I wondered when you would return Mr. Kaxx.

SIMON KAXX: Can I come in Jeffrey?

CRAZY JEFF: Aye, but wipe those feet. Cat's been ill again.

FX: CHINKING MUGS / POURING TEA.

CRAZY JEFF: Five lumps wasn't it?

SIMON KAXX: Please….So, you know what I'm going to ask Jeff.

CRAZY JEFF: Petit four?

SIMON KAXX: Thank you

CRAZY JEFF: How about your sound boy?

ANDY: Oh yes please.

SIMON KAXX: Look Jeff stop stalling. Where's the tape Jeff? What have you done with it?

CRAZY JEFF: It's in Switzerland.

SIMON KAXX: Switzerland? What is it doing there?

CRAZY JEFF: You don't think I would keep the original here for anyone to come in a steal do you? It's still got blood on it you know. Could be animal, could be human. No, no, if word got out I'd be overrun by Skiffle Rock fans from all over the world coming round my house. But don't worry Simon I made copies.

SIMON KAXX: Is it like the rumors say?

CRAZY JEFF: Simon, Simon, Simon. It's better than that me old son, here listen to this.

SIMON KAXX: Ball Bath Blues?

CRAZY JEFF: Ball Bath Blues.

GRAMS (Scrotus - Recorded in bathroom)

SIMON KAXX: My god Jeff. What language is that?

CRAZY JEFF: I'm not sure. Portuguese?

SIMON KAXX: No it's more Nordic than that.

CRAZY JEFF: Isle of Man?

GRAMS (Scrotus)

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Armed with a copy of the tape we had to establish the authenticity of the other items that Mr.Sri found in the auction. We traveled to the Welsh village of Clymnog Faws where Giles Hughes's mother resides today.

INT:

FX: DOG SOUNDS:

MRS. TRUSLER: Sirel! Sirel! Stop it. Leave that alone. He's a brute I tell you and too over sexed for a dantshunt. Sirel! Stop it! Right, where was I. Well I don't know much about Kenny Rogers except that Mavis told me he was a bit of a gambler. Terrible disease. Next doors son is always scratching those cards and playing the fruities, but what can you do?

SIMON KAXX: Can I ask you about this jacket found in the auction Mrs. Trusler?

MRS. TRUSLER: Oh yes that's Giles's jacket alright. Took him weeks to paint that set of testicles on the back. His da life modeled for him, right there by the mantelpiece. His Da and me were always very supportive of Giles's creative talents. Did Kenny Rogers draw scrotums too then?

FX: DOG PANTING AND HUMPING

SIMON KAXX(V/O): When asked about the guitar, Mrs. Hughes could not be sure, but the guitar strap, wrapped in women's underwear did make her suspicious and come up with some interesting information.

MRS. TRUSLER: Giles liked women's undies. There, I can say it now as all these years have gone by. He collected them or rather he would steal them from the washing lines in the area. I dread to think what he did with them up there in his room. He didn't like going out much as a boy, but he did for those undies. Oh yes. Sirel! Stop it. Sorry he gets excited.

FX: DOG PANTING AND WHIMPERING

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Today the surviving Scrotus memorabilia of has become worth several dollars on the open market. Reproductions of the Scrotus signature artwork, of a drooping spiky haired green scrotum has circulated amongst metal fans in the states where their story has become folk law. In the city of Dallas, one tattoo artist claims in his biography 'Inking my Grapefruits' that in 1986 he tattooed a large scrotum and the words Scrotus on to the back of a man who introduced himself as The Wiz.

FX: TATTOO SHOP

STEVIE: Yeah he was kind of wasted and carried one of those music triangles around with him in a leather case. He came in with this tall blond chick with an eye patch. She sounded foreign and kept drinking some thick red liquid from a bottle. Had the pointiest teeth I've ever seen on a chick. Hey, I work on some far out people right, so I paid it no mind. He wanted this huge ball bag tattooed on his back, so I did it. Took four hours. When I finished he asked if he could pay with an adrenal gland and I said sure. He then told me that Scrotus was his band and that the blond was the wife of the lead singer of another group that they had hooked up with at a gig near San Antonio. Their name was Famous of something. I couldn't understand her well. He said she was from Finland. Hey I usually don't remember this kind of stuff but my cat ate some of that gland and went crazy on me, so I remembered.

FADE

SIMON KAXX(V/O): Was this the real Wiz? And if so where were the rest of the band? Who was this Scandinavian band Famous? After months of me traveling the world searching for answers, researchers for this program tracked down a well known Finnish Heavy Metal band called Faunus who was also touring the United States at the same time, playing mainly at ports, shrimping towns and fish packing plants. Yaunus from Faunus was the founding member, front man and is the only one of the group who is still alive today. A self proclaimed cannibal and commercial fisherman, he once told reporters he wrote his best songs whilst out trawling for chub. Now retired from the music business and living in the rural fishing hamlet of Kokkofa, he heads a small religious cult based on ritual bloodletting the worship of a large herring called Magnus.

SIMON KAXX: Yaunus, you are believed to be one of the last people to see the band Scrotus and their manager alive. Can you tell me what happened that night?

YAUNUS: (Finnish dialogue. No translation dub) Suurin osa Tampereen Hatanpaan sairaalan radiologeista an 'Sctotus' irtisanoutunut palkkaan ja tyomaaraan 'loopy times',liittyvien erimielisyyksien 'crazy guys' vuoksi 'rodeo demim', Viiden radiologin lahdon jalkeen sairaalan 'Renault Megan o Mini Metro', kuvantamisyksikkoon jaaylilaakarin, 'no, no , no!' Lisaksi yksi nuorehko alan erikoislaakari, Lets roll.

SIMON KAXX: And the other two?

YAUNUS: Laskettelukausi jatkuu koko maassa paasiaisen yli. Suomen hiihtokeskusyhdistyksen 'little frenchie tekemän kartoituksen mukaan paaosa keskuksista 'I want ice cream' tarjoaa hyvat olosuhteet 'Meat, meat meat' lasketteluharrastuksen, 'my name is Spanish Jackie', jatkamiselle paasiaisena ja viela pitkalle paasiaisen jalkeen. Etelä-Suomessa rannikkoseutua myoten lasketellaan ainakin 'hi di hi' paasiaisena ja 'band, bye-bye' paikoin sen jalkeen, 'kill them', Keski-Suomessa laskettelukausi 'yum yum' jatkuu paikoin jopa vappuun saakka 'my pants are too tight'. Paaosa keskuksista!

SIMON KAXX(V/O): So what happened to him?

YAUNUS: Palvellaksemme paremmin, otamme 'Leo's Crab Shack' mielellamme vastaan 'Rio de Janeiro bye bye' kommentteja ja sisaltoehdotuksia.

SIMON KAXX(V/O): So there you have it. Conclusive proof. Now that the last days of Scrotus has been uncovered the search goes on to find the bodies, alive or dead, before this story can be finally put to rest. Next week we investigate the life and times of The Great Raymondo, a nightclub entertainer from Burnley who moved to LA in the late 60's and in the 80's founded the world famous Raymondo's Dry Cleaners. This has been The Lost Cord. I'm Simon Kaxx. Good night.

END